ROLL up, roll up, and grab your tickets now for the family panto spectacle of the season, Theresa and the Beanstalk! Touring all over the precious Union throughout December (limited capacity at Scotland region venues) or until key members of the cast finally resign.

Join our heroine on a magical adventure to convert a pocketful of magic beans into £350 million a week for the NHS. Marvel as she clambers her way into a giant pickle! Gasp as she fights off villains from stage left and right! Clap your hands if you believe in Brexit, and bring the Chequers deal back to life!

This dazzling new production truly has something for everyone, if by everyone you mean 52% of people (38% in Scotland region). Sick of hearing about Brexit?

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Watch it unfold on stage instead! Sing along as the Cabinet Chorus agrees with the Draft Withdrawal Agreement (giant song sheet provided) then boo the baddies as they exit through a trapdoor with a belch of mozzarella and pepperoni.

Laugh until you vomit as one of the ugly sisters flies through the air on a zipwire waving a Union flag, and the other drives around the stage in a cardboard Bentley accompanied by Nanny Twankee, pressing her suspiciously large foot on the accelerator every time strong and stable Theresa wobbles into her path.

With a constantly rotating cast of characters, no two performances will be the same and the script will be rewritten daily. Understudies (or “backstop artistes”) will be waiting in the wings just in case anyone corpses, malfunctions or is struck in the face by a well-aimed piece of rotten fruit.

However, one constant fixture will be plucky Theresa’s faithful sidekick/servant/slave Buttons, whose repeated threats to slap someone in the face with a wet fish will be met with increasingly hysterical roars of “oh no you won’t!” A highlight of Act One will see the grovelling accomplice pluck Love Hearts from his voluminous beard, and boys and girls will have the chance to exercise their freedom of movement (for now at least!) by leaping into the air to catch them. A special diabetes-friendly matinee show will feature a bonus shower of stockpiled insulin (ticket surplus: £3.5m per group of 10 plus accompanying adult).

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In a daring experiment in audience interaction, a mid-interval People’s Vote will allow every ticket-holder of unquestionable British origin the chance to make a very important decision about the future. Never before will such an important choice be made by an electorate drunk on Fruit Shoots, dolly mixtures and chlorinated chicken nuggets.

By downloading a special app and then screaming at the safety curtain until they wet their pants, they’ll determine the soundtrack for the grand finale dance-off.

Their choice of Abba over Ariana Grande, Justin Bieber and the Baby Shark song will in no way be influenced by a well-financed campaign promising that anyone voting for the ancient Swedish foursome will be promoted to the top of Santa’s 2018 Nice List.

Act Two will begin with some animal magic as clip-clop Corbyn trots around the stage in circles, braying “Neigh! Neigh!” every time Theresa tries to perform a showstopping solo number about agricultural subsidies.

Eventually, having neighed himself hoarse and clopped himself dizzy – dodging fences as well as questions about trade tariffs for carrots and sugar cubes – he collapses in a heap and is swept off the stage by a clown dressed as a binman.

With the majority of her enemies defeated – either bored to death by endless soundbites or accidentally smacked on the head by lengths of cheap Chinese steel in a culturally insensitive slapstick routine – it’s finally time for Theresa to face the giants of the EU.

Forced up the last stretch of beanstalk by a mid-December meaningful vote, she faces a showdown with Jean-Claude Johnny Foreigner and Michel Barbarian, who has been heard slapping his club and thundering “Fee, fie, bof, voilà, I smell le blood of a weak Prime Minister!”

There’s only one thing for it – but if Theresa is to shimmy her way to a brighter Britain, she’s going to need back-up. Clicking her leopard-print glass slippers together three times, she wishes for her fairy lady. In a puff of hairspray, she appears.

“I am in politics because of the conflict between good and evil, and I believe that in the end good will triumph,” the apparition proclaims.

“Thank you so much fairy lady, for coming to help me in my hour of need,” says Theresa.

“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.”

“Yes, so I’ve discovered – what should I do next?”

“You do not achieve anything without trouble, ever.”

“Yes, also true, and the Commons defeat was a real set-back, but do you have any advice for me?”

“Defeat? I do not recognise the meaning of the word.”

“You’re not really helping, fairy – you’re just repeating soundbites at me. It’s almost as though that’s no substitute for having a real plan.”

With that, the fairy lady disappears in a puff of blue smoke.

So, will Theresa slay the giants and dance her way out of the mess she’s found herself in? There’s only one way to find out – it’s this deal or no deal, so snap up your tickets for the most thrilling show in town!